I want to write but, I have nothing that I'd really like to write about. Usually, words do tend to flow out easily if i'm overwhelmed but I guess I'm not overwhelmed enough to be inspired to write. Life, for now, feels a little dry and boring. As much as I want time to speed up to the events that I've been dying to live, I really want it to slow down too. I'm at that point where time is moving so quickly yet isn't moving fast enough. Not to mention the fact that the constant boredom has made my eyes and mind wander. Missing the things I have but haven't had proper time with and wanting the things I haven't got. Sometimes, I'd want something I can't have and I'd feel guilty about it later because I'll remember that I've got something just as good. I feel indecisive. I don't know what I want. I'm undecided about whether I should settle or keep reaching. Sometimes it clashes so much that I just end up not deciding anything. When that happens, nothing really happens because in the end, i'll get nothing done. Nothing at all. I'm looking forward to the new year. I'm hoping for big changes to happen. I want some changes. Being in a constant routine makes me feel brain dead...

Hello, again. I'm still unemployed. All the interviews and promise of stability came up to... nothing. I've had a slow depressing week. I was busy soaking in my pool of failures and realising that, all of my friends, well, people who I consider as friends, are moving along with their life. It felt lonely. As though, my life had just stopped moving. As though everyone but myself were progressing. Some nights, or days, I would catch myself feeling totally lost, lonely, deserted. Like I had nobody and that nobody needed me. I would just lock myself in the room and cry. It's suffocating. Some would say that sometimes a conversation or a helping hand works wonders, but really, how can you speak of loneliness without coming off as someone who is just needy and self absorbed, especially someone like me. There's always someone who is literally more lonely than I, who is less fortunate than I. Everyone's got their own life, their own problems to deal with. What makes mine so important that people have to use their precious time to accommodate my loneliness. Why do I desire such attention, such glory. Really, why do I aim so high? Because of recognition? Nope, i really just want to feel accomplished. I want to feel better, more superior, even though I know that I didn't work half as hard as everyone else did. I want to feel gifted. Special. I don't believe that I deserve it, but I want it. I really want it. I don't want to settle for anything less. I am unhappy, but i'd rather be unhappy chasing my goals than be unhappy settling.

It has been a week since the interviews. I have so far, got feedback from a couple of the interviews that I went to the week before but I can't really be sure that I'd get the job. Until I do get proper feedback and an offer, I'll continue to look for more jobs and stick to helping my friend out with his film production company. I'm starting to get used to the whole unemployment thing, which I honestly think isn't a good thing. I mean, yeah, it's comfortable but i'm starting to run out of money. You know shit gets serious when you start running out of cash. All this just for financial stability. Sigh. When I was studying, I didn't think getting a job would be this difficult. But then again, I've only been applying to companies that are hard to get into. Sometimes, I think, I should really lower my standards. I mean, what's so bad about working in a smaller company. I'd probably get the same sort of pay and experience. How different can working in a somewhat smaller company be as compared to a big corporate firm when it comes to finance and accounting anyway. Yeah, the calculations and details of the accounts would be a lot more complex in a large corporate firm compared to smaller one, but the basic accounts that i'd be doing would probably be the same, wouldn't it? Oh, I probably can't work my way up the corporate ladder if I were to work in a smaller company but I could always gain all the experience I need and then apply to a large corporate firm and work my way up from there, right? Ah, all this thinking is making me feel indecisive and uncomfortable. Sigh. For now, i'm pretty much playing the waiting game until then. Lots of waiting, thinking, waiting and thinking. God, I seriously need to land a job soon. This is getting pretty frustrating.

Rereading all my previous posts and constantly realising that I seriously suck at writing. Ha-ha. I wish I had some sort of creative talent. Mehh. To play an instrument, dance, write, design, paint, draw, sing... anything really. It would be amazing to have natural talent in one of those. But I don't, and that's where it becomes unfortunate. Yes, I'm going for the whole pity party act. Now go, go be that creative butterfly I've always wished on being and make me feel more awful about myself. Ha-ha. To be honest, I'm don't hate myself. I love myself. I love my life but that doesn't mean that I should just stop here. I welcome change, I welcome new things. Frankly, I love new experiences that's why being content with where I am now is just never enough. Well, I'm just rambling again. Typing out anything that comes to mind. Right now what's coming to mind is the on-goings of the week and what I've been doing the week before. To summarise last week and a little of this week in short; I participated in a short story production competition to help a friend, went for 3 job interviews for 3 separate companies - things seem to be looking up in the job searching department, and spent Halloween dressed up as Red Riding Hood. All-in-all a pretty long but great week. I had minimal sleep all week until Sunday because I've always had something to get done before I could sleep and just as soon as I woke up the next day but I really didn't mind it. It was something to do. Something distracting. I'd rather be exhausted than totally bored. I'd elaborate further but I'd only bore you. When the short story has finished, I'll make sure I'll share it here for everyone who is curious to see it. Until then, I'll keep at my job hunting. Who knows, maybe the next time I post something, I may have finally landed a job. Fingers crossed!

I rolled over and let my eyes slowly adjust to the light of my room. Blinking a couple of times in the direction of the light streaming in through the curtains of the window and realising that I have probably overslept. I turned over and grabbed my cellphone to look at the time and to see whether anyone had cared enough of me to leave a text. I was right, I overslept and hey, a text message. It was 2 in the afternoon and I had received a text from my best friend telling me how awful the traffic was this morning getting to work. At least someone cares enough about me to share their early morning grumbles. I chuckled. Too late to get back to her about the morning traffic since it's 2 in the afternoon. I replied anyway about other irrelevant things. How I'd constantly wish for the day i'd be able to grumble about work or getting to work. Although, I think, I'd probably regret wishing for it once I do get a job. Whenever that will be. I stayed in bed staring at my phone looking through the usual social network sites to see the going on's of the day. My usual daily routine as soon as I'm up is to spend a couple hours in bed checking out social network sites and watching silly shared videos until I finally decide that it's time to get up, either because i'm absolutely starving or until my mum goes ballistic at my door and threatens to disown me if I don't get out of my room and be productive. Obviously she wouldn't. Anyway, after I've totally exhausted all I need to see and my stomach has started giving me random sharp stings, I decide that it's time to get out of bed. One thing I hate most about getting out of bed is that, I seem to always be sore all over so I'd always have to drag my feet while I get myself to the bathroom to wash up. Washing up is also a chore. All-in-all, I take about an hour to shower, moisturise, get clothed and groomed. Sometimes I'd wish I was born a guy, i'd probably take a quarter of the time I would now to wash up. But well, we can't always have what we want. Looking through what I've written, I realise that i spend the first few hours wishing for things that I don't or will never have. I should really change that. Negativity at the start of my day? It's no wonder I'm usually unproductive. Ha-ha.

When I look at him, I know that this time, I'm not looking at him the same way I had. When i'm with him now, I'm just more irritable than I usually am. Has he always been this way? Why haven't I noticed it earlier? or am I just noticing it now? Have I outgrown him? I've started to wonder. I seem to enjoy not being in his company. Recently, I've found it a chore to hold a conversation with him. I love him though. I'm sure of it. But, why am I feeling this way? Maybe it's just a temporary phase. It'll pass. I'm sure it will and everything will be as it was. It will definitely be as it was.

I felt... demotivated. I just couldn't bring myself to look at any more job sites. I managed to open the sites I usually do, look through the jobs that were available and I actually did manage to find a couple of somewhat appealing offers, but when I clicked on them, I lost all interest in following through. One of the offers needed me to write something about myself so that I could stand out when they look through the applications but honestly, i'm pretty tired of trying to impress someone who would probably open up my resume and not respond because on paper i'm just not up to par. Well, they think i'm not up to par, but I think i'm pretty alright. Really. At times, not getting a response or not being able to have my application followed through, kinda makes me regret not taking studies so seriously, but then again, remembering how much I enjoyed myself , if i could have a do over, i'd probably do the same darn thing all over again. I keep dreaming that one day, just one day, I'll land something and I'll be somebody great just to prove that people shouldn't be judged by a piece of paper and that everyone brilliant aren't necessarily a high achiever academically. Ah, I've just indirectly called myself brilliant. Brilliant.

A text arrived and it said that I was to send my resume to an email address immediately. Honestly, while I was busy being preoccupied with watching The Help, I really couldn't be bothered with anything else. Until of course I received another text warning me that if I didn't do so, then i'd be missing a big opportunity and that the only reason i'm jobless and whining about it is because of my own fuck up. Whoah, that got me going. An opportunity with a company that had already previously rejected me. Yay? I thought, why not right? At least, this time I've got some internal help. But I don't think it's going to be of much help really. I know i'm behaving like a pessimistic prick but it's always better to expect the worst... right? I honestly don't know how i'd actually feel if they were to reject me a second time. Nothing probably.

Left his house in a hurry thinking there was some place else more important to be, later realising that I had unnecessarily bought two packets of noodles (specifically to feed it to someone), only to end up having to eat it all alone at 2 in the morning. Why? Because the person I was supposed to be seeing left me hanging and decided not to bother letting me know that he wasn't planning on making it. There were only two things that I was most frustrated about at that point: the fact that I had to finish two packets of noodles I hadn't planned on eating and that I could have stayed on at his place to finish the movie I was watching. You're probably wondering, who is he and why was I leaving him in a hurry to feed someone else noodles? Well, lets just say, the person I was supposed to meet is the current love my life and he loves the specific noodles that I had bought, and the guy whose place I was at? He, is a good friend. A friend that I occasionally see to satisfy my curiosity.

Rejected. Once again i'm back to where I started. I thought having been rejected a few countless times before in the last couple of months would somehow numb me off it. WRONG. The feeling is still as it was the first time I received the email letting me know that I am unsuitable and that they could not and would not consider to further my application. Mind me, I am a little sore about it still, so I may be paraphrasing it in a way where it seems a lot worse they had actually put it.
Frankly, I think, I'm a lot better than this. I think I'm a capable person. Extremely capable. If only they would give me a fighting chance. I try not to be persistent, I really don't want to give off a desperate vibe, although I have come to realise now that I may be borderline desperate. So, thinking back, maybe persistence isn't such a horrid idea.
It's off-putting to keep reminding myself that there are still plenty of companies to apply to and that I shouldn't lose hope but how much can I self console/motivate before I become totally discouraged, right? And really, it's not that there aren't any jobs that are available to me, it's just that, I seem to be quite choosy when it comes to what companies i'd like to work with. Considering i'm an average graduate with very little participation when it came to campus activities, it's a no brainer to why corporate giants that i've applied to find me unsatisfactory. Oh well, I shouldn't give up. I'm sure eventually it'll happen. Hopefully sometime very soon.