One thing I've realised is that, people come and go. Even if they've been there for years, it doesn't make any sort of difference. Even if you've thought that they'd be here forever, it made nothing of a difference because preferences change with time. Priorities change, with time. The importance of a person to someone does change with time. The only manageable thing to do is, to accept that, everyone makes their own happiness and that happiness is subjective. Everything is subjective. With that perspective, disappointment would be relative to reliance and independence would be loneliness. But if a person can embrace loneliness, in certain circumstances, a person can embrace happiness. The act of dealing with something on your own & accepting that anything & everything that happened is done because of your own made choices. You are what you make of yourself. And any shitty play of life is of your own doing. Like a glass of water. To look at it as lacking or filled, is to your own perspective. You are your own ruin or your own success. You are beauty or beast, and you will always be the person to decide a beginning or end. Accepting temporaries because everyone, no matter how selfless, needs to self-service. No matter how people deny it, everyone does things to satisfy their own needs. People connect through relation. Relation by satisfaction or acceptance. We're such selfish beings, yet we will never admit it. I will never admit it. We try to be selfless. Yet, the world dies while we strive. It's funny really, to realise that normality is more unique than the act of being different. Who wants to be normal these days? Everyone thinks they have a purpose. No, better yet, everyone believes that they have a higher purpose. I won't deny that I am one of those people. I  have always felt that I was special. Put on this earth for some sort of purpose, privileged and all. But really, doesn't that just make me self-absorbed? Isn't that the cause of all problems? discrimination and prejudice? Self-absorbance. We are, unfortunately, our own traitor. We are, unfortunately, our own demise. 

It has been, quite a long while since I've written. After landing the job i mentioned in the previous post, I had been extremely preoccupied. There wasn't any room for me to do anything else creative with my time. But I have recently quit my job, about a couple of weeks ago hence the post. Allow me to fill you in on it. I was a financial auditor for one of the Big 4s, namely KPMG. It was an experience. I don't regret working there, at all, but I am extremely relieved that I left. My first year wasn't bad. I was actually pretty content with the what I was doing. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. I found that it was intellectually stimulating and because everyone was around the same age range, it was fun. The Company also provided plenty of social benefits to encourage the staff to release some stress from work. We had a lot of parties, but there were also a ridiculous amount of work to do in a short period of time. It really hit me hard towards the last year of working with the Company. I was working 16-20 hours a day sometimes 6 days a week. There were a couple of times where the work continued through the weekend. It was extremely unpleasant. There was no break, mentally. Sometimes I'd go home, fall asleep thinking about work and waking up the next day thinking about what I can get done on the day, what else I have to do and what can be done to ensure that the work is complete in the time that is needed. It was torture and I burnt out. I lost motivation, or any sort enthusiasm to do the work. I would wake up sometimes wishing I would fall ill, occasionally hoping for a semi-severe illness so that I would be able to take at least a week off to rest. I'm glad it's over, but it was a bittersweet ending though. I really do love the people I worked with. Pretty darn sure that I won't be able to work in that sort environment ever again, unless of course, I reapply back to the Company or any of the other Big 4s. I'm a little biased though, I still think KPMG is the best, in terms of people and social benefits. Well, it was the case for me with people in my department, at least. I can't really vouch for the other departments and i've heard a fair share of hell stories there. You're probably wondering, so what am I going to next? Well, I considered going back to school to do my masters but, it doesn't seem practical anymore because i'm going traveling for the next 3 months, and all my savings will be gone by the time I'm done, and I would have no way to pay for school. I have yet to even complete my certification, and that's another thing entirely. So, I'm a little bit conflicted. Shall I still try to apply for masters, or shall I go back to work and complete my professional certification? I would need pay for them either way. Going back to work seems like a more practical option. Well, I have about a month to think about it. Til then, ta!

Do you know what's worse than watching someone make the same mistake a hundred and one times? To hear them tell you how much something that you've probably told them a million times before but this time by someone else, hit them right in the gut and made them realise that they've made a mistake. I mean, for fucks sake, are you seriously telling me, it took you 3 years and another person to tell you the same damn shit for you to wake the fuck up? Oh, so because it came out of my mouth, it had zero value. Gee thanks, friend.

I've always wondered, why do I constantly feel so empty. To be frank, I've surrounded myself with people all my life... yet, I still feel so very alone. Whether I have someone whom I call a best friend or someone who I'd call a lover. It's not that I feel incomplete. I just feel under-appreciated. In fact, I've never felt needed. Such an emotionally decaying feeling. To feel like if you were to disappear for awhile, maybe a day, maybe two, a week, or three? Would anyone bother, really? I've never felt that everyone took me seriously. Nobody took my point of view seriously. They just needed a shoulder, my shoulder, but everyone else's attention. My opinion just never mattered, that's what it felt like. To be valued. 

I've exhausted all emotion I have allowed myself to exhaust. I'm tired of feeling so ridiculous. Totally ambitious over things that are obviously unreachable. You can't have everything you want, was what someone had so blatantly pointed out to me. I thought, that's ridiculous, I haven't had everything go my way. Have I?

Excuse me while I desperately document the rare, spontaneous and temporary combustion of interesting thought that only happens to last almost a second before moving on to things that aren't worth documenting.

The current meanderings of my mind happens to be the cravings of delusion. The idea of experiencing things that are usually temporary or far-fetched but wildly exhilarating. Things that only but a few people would label as 'living', while others would probably find it totally unnecessary. The absolute fear of routine or being labeled as 'boring'. The envy of inexperience that plagues the sanity and drives my curiosity. It's no wonder it has gotten me into believing that everything new, is great. The belief that limitation is only psychological. To feel that everything can only be done at a specific span of time, at a specific sort of place, and to me, that time seems to always be running out. It's only a matter of time before something that is being done will be something that was and is crass. So, I'd really rather do it than to wonder what it would have been like. How would I know if I didn't like it if I've never tried it, right?

I brush, oh yes, I brush. I brush so rigorously in hopes to rid away all the dirt and stain that affects the very center of my physical state. It's unbelievable how I've let the ripples and curves grow to become totally uncontrollable. I feel suffocated and disgusted as I compress myself into a space that no longer fits. I tell myself, all day, everyday, that tomorrow will be the day, the day that I will overcome this destructive disease. Yet, tomorrow is always, forever and a day away.